Brand new JOKES Thread!
I've read the Purina diet joke a few times before and laugh like a loon each time. Thanks for posting it, Goodnow!
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
Rofl GGirl! and yes karlyb I love that one too! every time i get it in email I giggle!
great jokes everybody!! the one about showering like a woman and man had me laughing so hard!!
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"
( Sorta a strange one)
A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass."
The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?"
The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar."
A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.
The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club.
"You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.
In this joke you sort of have to know the titles of a couple Britney Spears songs, but it's still funny if you don't know.
One day, Britney Spears walks into a bar. She orders a drink and sits down at a table. Suddenly, she farts.
Bartender: Who farted?!
Britney: Oops, I did it again!
The next day, Britney walks into the same bar. She orders a drink and sits down at a table. She farts again.
Bartender: Who farted?!?!
Britney: Stronger than yesterday!
As for the oops I did it again. Did you know there was a song made mocking her song called "ooops I farted again" It's HILARIOUS!!! By one of my favourite singers (wierd taste ya know...) Wierd Al Yandovic. Look it up!!!
there are 2 songs by him mocking her
"ooops I farted again" and "Bitchney Spears"
The young man said to his sweetheart,
"We're going to have a great time tonight.
I have three theater tickets."
The young girl said,
"Why do we need three tickets?"
"They're for your father, mother, and kid sister!"
A man enters the doc's office.
"Okay, tell me why you are here!"
"Okay! Every morning I pee at 7 AM, and then I do my "big business" at 7.15 sharp!"
"So, what is your problem then???"
"I only get up at 7.30 PM doc!!"
Sorry for the blondes on PT, it is just a joke
A Blondes' Year in Review
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels...Helllloooo... bottles won't fit in printer!
March - Got really excited...finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months...box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours... power went out!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid...bad instructions...8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!
June - Tried to go water skiing...couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breaststroke swimming competition...learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!
August - Got locked out of my car in rainstorm...car swamped because soft-top was open.
September - The capital of California is "C"...isn't it?
October - Hate M & M's...they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!
December - Couldn't call 911..."Duh"...there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!
THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mailbox and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)
My PC keeps saying : "You've got mail !!"
Three kids rang the neighbor's doorbell. When she answered, the oldest one said, "Mrs. Johnson, we're on a scavenger hunt. We'll win a dollar if we come back with three grains of wheat, a piece of used carbon paper, and a pork chop bone. Can you help us?"
Mrs. Johnson answered, "My goodness, kids! Who sent you on such a challenging scavenger hunt?"
"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."
I've never heard the Purina Diet joke before! Have you ever tried to laugh silently? I almost blew up! Our office is totally pet-friendly (7 dogs, 12 cats, a bunny, two cockatiels, and one person has just the neatest aquarium and I'm not sure how many fish he has now!) so I will see that this gets around.
Originally Posted by dogzr#1
Sorry this post is so long. It has two jokes in one.
Drive Thru Fun
1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and let your passenger order.
2. Ask the price of almost everything on the menu and then order something that you didn't ask the price for.
3. Tell the employee that your window is broken. Order and then pay with your door open. When the food comes, roll down the window and snatch your order from their hands.
4. Go to McDonald's and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.
5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels.
6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you're in.
7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window-shopping and drive on.
8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
9. Ask the cashier how they fit into that little box.
10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
11. Demand to speak to the manager. When they come on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said, "May I take your order?"
12. When asked if they can take your order say, "Why, can I take yours?"
13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.
14. Pretend your car has broken down. Ask for assistance moving it. When they come out, drive away.
15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.
17. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.
18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag with all the trash from your car in it.
19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare.
20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.
May a horrible rash be lashed upon the person who created that!
Surprisingly, a lot of people do some of these things to us (specifically, #'s 2, 10, 13, 17, and 19. I blame it on their stupidity.
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!
MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's lockerroom. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
HONESTY My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause I dropped it in the toilet last week.
OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, ! "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4- year old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning"
SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He pickedup the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy calledout." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy'svoice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
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