Question:
I understand what you're all saying about reporting it, but the problem is,
#1. It might be too late for that.
#2. The email was not 'threatening' in the way you might be thinking.
#3. The girl doesn't live there anymore.
Let me tell you the whole story. I didn't want to, as I don't like talking about personal issues publically, but I guess sometimes you have to. I just need some extra input on this, and I will be deleting the thread after some time, so don't be surprised if it disappears.
I'll start from the beginning.
My brother met a girl online at a matrimonial site, and decided to marry her. I strongly believe lying is this girl's second nature, and she constantly lies and decieves him. We see it...me, my mom, dad, my husband...but he just doesn't see it, or maybe he does, but he won't admit it YET.
To begin with, my brother was very naive to proceed in a marriage without knowing enough, so I blame most of this on HIM, BUT....
This girl advertised herself as 'never married'. Later on, when we met her family, they told us she's divorced, and was married to her sister-in-law's brother. This was her first lie. She lied about never being married, when in fact, she was divorced.
Second lie. After we found out about lie #1 from her family, she told my brother her marriage to the other guy was just on paper, and she never lived with him as his wife. Both her father and brother said she was married and LIVED with him for 6 - 7 months.
Those were just the first lies, and from then on, all I have seen in this relationship is that it is standing on pillars built with lies, after lies, after lies.
Now, about the email...we all accompanied my brother to where her family lived to have a small wedding celebration. I was skeptical about it from the beginning. You might be wondering why we didn't warn him after we discovered how untrustworthy she is. Well...he's the type who, when he 'falls in love', will not listen to ANYONE. After the wedding, we returned home. She didn't move here at that time...she was still with her parents for the next three months. My brother returned home too.
2 or 3 weeks after returning, my husband recieved an email, which I posted about earlier. The email pretty much said, "I've heard a lot of good about you, and though I know you are already married, I would like to be your wife." (It was actually a 2 - 3 paragraph email and that one sentence I typed above is just a summary of her main reason to email). Now, my husband was furious, KNEW someone was playing a prank on him...because come on...how many girls out there would offer themselves to an already married man? He immediately called me, forwarded the email to me, and told me to investigate as much as possible until he returned home from work. I tried to find out the IP address, but didn't know how to locate it...so I was pretty much sitting at home, fuming over the email, and thinking, "How DARE someone email MY husband with such crap!" 6 o'clock came, and my husband returned from work. We were invited at my parents' for dinner, so we both got in the car and went there. Meanwhile, my husband told me how he knows how to locate the IP address, but just needs to remember one step, and he'd check with my brother after dinner.
Anyhow, at the dinner table, my husband told my family the whole story. They were all like...:eek ...INCLUDING my brother...who immediately offered to help my husband find the IP address, and get the 'person' in trouble.
The moment they located the IP address and checked where it came from...hey, guess what. "Minnesota"
My brother's face went pale, and he immediately left the room...then came back. He was going to Minnesota that night to visit his 'wife', and now, we had discovered this email came from a culprit in Minnesota. He went anyway.
My husband and mom suspected his wife right away, once we discovered the state. My dad didn't say much. I wanted to investigate more. When we returned home that night, I decided I was NOT going to sleep until I found out WHO did it. I went to my email account, and went through ALL of my emails. The IP address matched no one. My husband told me, "Why are you being silly? We know no one in Minnesota besides my brother's 'wife'." There is no way ANYONE ELSE in that entire state would've known his email address, nor seen him, nor met him. We didn't go to Minnesota for the 'wedding'...we went to Tennessee, because that's where most of her family lives. In Minnesota, its only her, her sister, her mom, and her dad. So...my husband had never even stepped in Minnesota, and there was no way anyone knew him there...no way. Only her.
I had 4 emails from her in my inbox and checked the IP address on all of them. Every SINGLE one of them matched. I nearly fell over. I broke down into tears.
The next morning, we told my parents. They too, were shocked. We decided not to call her and confront immediately. Instead, we thought of sending an email to which, if she responded, we'd get more hints.
My husband did not email her, as he did not want to have anything to do with such a girl who plots to hurt our marriage. I emailed her, pretending I had NO IDEA who she was. I asked for her phone number, and told her I'd be giving her a call.
She replied, saying, "Well, I guess if your husband told you, he must not be interested." What did she think? Did she think she can offer herself to my husband, and he's going to betray me by not telling me and contacting her? What a JERK!! She also said, "I'm from Northern US, and I heard a lot of good things about your husband"...several other things, and oh, "I don't have a phone number." RIGHT! Who doesn't have a phone number in today's age?
I emailed her back...a LONG email, accusing her of being my brother's wife. I said I tracked down the IP and KNOW it is her, and I also said, "Yeah, I know you're from the north. You're from Minnesota! Duh!" I said a lot of things in the email, and I knew, "If this IS my brother's wife, she will not respond, but if it isn't, she will respond and say, "Whatever are you talking about? I don't even know that girl"...or something. Anyhow, I never got a reply.
I never confronted her, never called her. I did not know the right way to deal with it. My brother has basically been avoiding conflict since. I know that deep down in his heart, being the techie computer guy he is, he knows she did it. He just keeps making excuses for her and giving her the benefit of doubt.
The funny thing is, after coming here, she came to my house once, and SHE started the topic. Like I said, I never confronted her about it. Not once. Just in the email reply to the person who sent the email. Well, the day she 'started the topic', she said, "You guys accused me of flirting with your husband." Then she said, "And you said things to me that made me never want to see your face again." I never said ANYTHING to her! Oh, but I did in the email to the anonymous person! I take that as another sign that she WAS the one, she READ the email, and the things I said to her in the email have stuck in her brain. Otherwise, how would she ever know what I said to her, when I didn't say anything at all?
My parents and I thought if my brother HAS to be married to her , perhaps we could forgive her if she shows remorse, and try to change her by killing her with kindness. So far, we've only seen the worst of her. She's the most arrogant person I have ever seen in my life! My brother cannot live without us, and if one of us confronts him about his wife's actions, he calls the other. The problem is, we can't talk to him about the issue. He's like...scared...that if its proven to him how evil she is, he will never find another woman to marry. I don't know where he gets his fears from, but I do know that he's wasting his life with someone who WILL hurt him badly in the end. I can't understand why he would stay with a woman like that, who has betrayed him from the moment they got married. If I write the whole story about her, and how many lies we've caught, I could write an entire novel.
The bottom line is, there's nothing I can do about it. The girl no longer lives in Minnesota, she lives with my brother. She's a liar, and the more you try to confront her, the more she lies, and the more her lies expose the 'real her'. Her parents never wanted this marriage to take place, and were demanding $20,000 worth of gold jewelry for her, from my parents. We never fulfilled their wish, as we had no need to, but this worries me into thinking they're after money.
I know the girl is not sincere towards my brother. I know she's a liar and has bad intent. And, I'm afraid of her motives. This IS a suspicion, but her lies are facts, the IP address coming from her home is a fact, and everything else is a fact. I don't know how to deal with my brother. He's one of those guys that avoids conflict, and if we try to talk to him, he just leaves. He will call us to see how we're doing, what we're doing, etc., and all is fine until someone asks him how long he's going to live in this state. He can't say anything to defend her because he knows its true. He never looks happy in his marriage. He looks devasted. I don't know what she has done to him. I'm worried sick about him. I know that the longer he stays with her, the more damage it will have on him, and as a sister, I'm deeply concerned. How do you talk to a conflict avoiding man? He's driving us crazy!
We've been a very, very close family our entire lives, and this is very hurting for us. I'm sick and tired of this. Marriage is supposed to be happy, not such a curse. Its an everyday conflict for us now. What this girl did this time.
I don't have anything to do with her now, but I do talk to my brother and invite him over. He is, afterall, my brother, and I wish the best for him and want to be there for him when/if he gets out of this mess. I just feel he can't think or see things as it is. All he sees is his family hates his wife, without seeing the reasons. Yeah, I know he's the one who tracked the IP address to begin with, but I don't know what that cunning witch tells him. And...as I said...the email thing is not the ONLY reason I can't stand her, but it is the reason that affects ME. Everytime we see her, she lies, lies, and lies some more. My brother's not very clever, and she's a cunning witch. I'm scared for him and want to do something about it before its too late. At the same time, I know when someone marries, even if he married the world's biggest jerk, getting rid of that person is only HIS decision. We just want him to know the facts. Ugh. I don't even know why I'm typing this. 'sigh' I guess I just need comfort. I know you will all blame my brother for not seeing these red flags, and that IS a fact, but my brother is not a 'bad' person. He's proven himself to be foolish, and dumb. This girl though, is BAD, very, and she just confirms my long time belief that you HAVE TO be careful when dealing with people on the internet. My brother trusts people way too fast.
Her mother and father don't know how to use a computer, and her father was out of the state at that time to begin with. Her sister had no access to my husband's email address, and doesn't even know him...and hardly knows me. This girl...yeah, my brother's so dumb to have given her his password the moment they married...so she obviously got my husband's email address from my brother's contact list. I KNOW she did it...but she's getting away with that and everything she does because my brother's too naive to see it. She even told me she sees my brother as nothing but a clown. WHO says that about their husband?


Answer:
Wow pcb I am so sorry, sounds like he is going to have to learn the hard way. Hopefully she doesn't get pregnant. Sounds like he has some self confidense issues, too bad he doesn't realize he is probably a great catch and could do so much better.


Answer:
Wow, this is complicated. It's too bad your brother won't listen to his
Dad & Mom on this. Does he have any guy friends that could talk some
sense into him? Are they legally married now after one ceremony?


Answer:
PCB--First of all, I'm sorry for the unhappiness this woman has brought to your brother, you, your husband, and the rest of the family.
But...is it possible that she's still married to someone else? A private investigator could find out easily. If she is still married...well perhaps that would be definitive for your brother.
It's so hard to deal with convincing liars.
Wishing you the best.


Answer:
This is terrible. I am also sorry to hear what you and your family are going through.
It sounds like she has complete control over him and he knows it. However, he doesn't know what to do to get away from her. Maybe because of some kind of fear.
He is more than likely going to have to find out the hard way for sure. With all you and your family know about her, I wouldn't hesitate to make a huge scene in front of everybody until she's finally forced to give up her grip on him. Good luck
Obviously, she has a problem and someone needs to stop her in her path of destruction.


Answer:
I think Abbymom's idea has something to it. If she is still married to someone else - she would be arrested and charged.
Might be worth the cost of a PI to find out - or a lawyer to search vital statistics (in every state???)


Answer:
Originally Posted by Catty1
I think Abbymom's idea has something to it. If she is still married to someone else - she would be arrested and charged.
Might be worth the cost of a PI to find out - or a lawyer to search vital statistics (in every state???)
Great idea. A PI can get some dirt on her and she'll be history. I have a feeling the PI won't have any trouble digging up enough dirt to bury her


Answer:
I'm so sorry that this continues to be an issue and I know it was very, very hard for you to share such a personal issue, here. That just tells me volumes about how badly this is hurting you and your family, because you are not a "public" type of girl.
Right now, all I know to do is pray for him to find the wisdom to confront her and I will also pray that she doesn't get pregnant in the midst of all of this.
Is your brother still at least communicating with you all? I hope so.
So sorry, my friend.
Logan


Answer:
Thanks for the replies everyone. It was indeed very difficult for me to share this, because I have personally never liked sharing family 'issues', big or small, in public. I like to keep whatever happens within the 'walls' of the house to stay within the 'walls'.
You know...I doubt she's still married, but seeing how much she lies, anything could be a possibility. My brother is in denial mode, basically. Just because she's his 'wife', somehow, he can pretend and decieve himself into thinking she never did any of the things she's done. Of course if he doesn't stop decieving himself, he WILL learn the hard way, and if he learns too late, he might not even have me or my parents around to help him through the hard times.
He has friends he can talk to, but of course, he will never tell them the real story. All he will tell them is, "My family hates my wife...how do I deal with it?", instead of, "My wife lied to me about being divorced, then sent my brother-in-law an email, trying to hurt my sister's marriage, then did this and then did that, and as a result, my family hates her. How do I deal with it?"
He used to talk to my husband about everything, but now that his brother-in-law was sent this email by his wife, and he knows if he talks to him this will come up, he has to avoid him too.
Ugh. How do we deal with this? I was always close to my brother, and now there's a HUGE wall between us...so huge that when I see him, I don't even feel like I have anything to say to him anymore. He's so blinded by her, and I can't believe it. I have a feeling he's only going to learn the hard way, and that really really hurts me.


Answer:
I don't think there is anything you can say to convince him. He has to figure that out for himself. When he's ready to accept the truth. The more the family shows him "evidence" the more he will retreat. Until he's ready, he feels he needs to protect her.
I guess I would speak to him in person -- in front of his wife if need be and tell him. I love you. You are my brother. I will always love you. I am on your side no matter what happens. I have your best interest in mind. That's why I'm so concerned. All I want is your happiness. If she makes you happy, I will respect that. But, please protect yourself. Be sure. And don't make a baby until you are sure. A baby is innocent and has no choice in the family situation it is born to.
Like Dr. Phil says, the only way to predict future behavior is to look at past behavior. If her past behavior has turned out to be dishonest, how can you be sure that she won't continue this pattern?
So, Dear Brother, I will respect the choice you have made. But know that I and the family are always here for you should you need us.


Answer:
I am absolutely speechless, PCB. I'm so sorry that your family is having to deal with a situation like this. Like Logan said, I know you're a very private person, so the fact that you've written about this speaks volumes of how much it's hurting your heart. I'm so sorry.
It's got to be so frustrating dealing with someone like your brother who doesn't want to listen. I'm surprised he won't listen to you and your parents regarding his "wife", because he of all people should know that you all have his best interest at heart. This woman is bad news, and things should have been nipped in the bud when he found out she lied about being married previously.
I really don't think people like her change. What was the reason for her first divorce? She probably cheated on her previous husband. Chances are she played games behind his back, just as she will behind your brother's.
Has there only been 1 divorce or are there more under her belt? It's hard to tell, because people like her are so good at conning other people. Your brother would definitely be better off with someone who really loved him. Just from my small outside view of the situation, my take is she doesn't love him, and she's going to continue to manipulate and lie to others. Her parents don't sound any better. The whole situation is very questionable. I have no idea how you can get your brother to listen to your concerns and take them seriously, when he doesn't want to.
Kuhio98 is exactly right about her past behavior being a good indicator of her future behavior. People like that don't change, and your brother needs to realize this now before it's too late. Sure, he made a mistake...but the biggest mistake he can possibly make now is settling for his situation. It would be very sad, because he could do so much better in life and in love...
**hugs**